Killer Jokes For Newly Old Folks

 

 

TRY TO REMEMBER

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.

—Rita Rudner

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

—Emo Philips

Have you been forgetting things, such as a specific word that often eludes you, or the names of movies, books, restaurants, and especially people? If so, rest assured that you’re perfectly normal.

Memory loss among people over sixty typically begins years earlier but progresses so gradually that it doesn’t become apparent until it’s impossible to ignore. Fortunately, only certain types of memory are affected. Explicit memory, as it’s known, has to do with recalling specific details, such as the name of the person you met at that dinner, or where you left your gloves, or why you sometimes stand at the fridge with the door open because you can’t recall what it was you wanted to take out—or put back in.

The other kind—implicit, or procedural, memory—is much less affected by age. This category includes the things you do almost automatically: driving a car, getting dressed, tying your shoes, or typing an email.

To put it another way, if you forget the name of your optician, or where you left your glasses, that’s normal aging. But if you can’t remember what optician means or that you wear glasses, that’s far more serious.

Feeling better yet? This may help: an older person’s most important mental functions, including judgment, wisdom, and the ability to give advice, may now be operating better than ever. It’s not that younger people aren’t capable of wisdom, but that’s a gift we usually associate with chronological maturity. (How’s that for a euphemism?)

During the 1984 presidential debates with Walter Mondale, Ronald Reagan was asked whether, at seventy-three, he was too old to be reelected. “I will not make age an issue of this campaign,” he replied. “I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” Even Mondale laughed at that one. (These days, of course, seventy-three doesn’t sound all that old.)

Until recently, the most common fear of people over sixty was the prospect of developing cancer or heart disease. Although these two unwelcome visitors are still lurking around, the biggest worry these days is Alzheimer’s, which has been called the greatest health threat of the twenty-first century. Fortunately, it’s possible to lower the risk of developing Alzheimer’s—or at least to delay it. One preventive measure is to remain in close contact with other people, because individuals with active and positive social networks are less likely to show signs of dementia.

Another line of defense is to build up what researchers call “cognitive reserve,” which is the mental equivalent of putting money aside for a rainy day. To increase the odds of maintaining a well-functioning mind, it’s helpful to keep the brain active by learning a new and challenging skill such as another language, a new instrument, or a demanding game like chess or bridge. Learning a new physical skill, such as juggling or skiing, can change and strengthen the brain as well. Much like the body, the mind, too, needs ongoing sources of stress and stretching to continue to function at a high level.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that the greatest benefits to the brain come from physical activity. Compared to their friends who remain sedentary, people who exercise—even if it’s nothing more than a brisk daily walk—have a significantly lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. Exactly how exercise helps mental functioning isn’t entirely clear, but it may have to do with stimulating the flow of blood, oxygen, and certain nutrients to the brain. And it could be that laughter is helpful in those same ways.

 

A few years ago, at a state fair in Ohio, an older visitor noticed a sign that read: “Old Chief Thunder. Come into the tent and test his memory.”

Unfortunately, the visitor’s knowledge of Native American culture was limited to the many TV Westerns he had watched as a boy. He entered the tent, turned to the elderly chief, raised his right hand, and said, “How.”

“Good day,” said the chief, ignoring the visitor’s clumsy greeting. “What would you like to ask me?”

“Well, sir, what did you have for breakfast on July 19th, 1991?”

“Eggs,” the chief replied. “Okay, who’s next?”

A few years later, the same visitor was back at the fair, and again he saw the sign for Old Chief Thunder. He was surprised that the man was still alive, but he entered the tent and, just like last time, he greeted the chief by raising his right hand and saying “How.”

“Fried,” said the chief.

 

 

 

The Name of the Rose
A long-married couple are having dinner at the home of their good friends. When the meal has ended and the wives get up to clear the dishes, the men remain at the table and continue talking.

“I meant to tell you,” says the host, “that we went to a terrific new restaurant on Thursday. I think you’ll love it.”

“Great. What’s it called?”

“Damn, now I’m blanking. Help me out here. What’s the name of that red flower?”

“A poppy?”

“No, the other one.”

“A tulip?”

“No—you know, with thorns.”

“A rose!”

“Thank you.” Turning toward the kitchen, he yells, “Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant?”

A man walks into a pharmacy. “I’m looking for some acetylsalicylic acid,” he tells the druggist.

“You mean aspirin?”

“Thank you! I can never remember that word.”

The Pickup
An elderly gentleman, well dressed, nicely groomed, and rather handsome, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He sits down next to an elegant woman of a certain age and orders a drink. Turning toward her, he says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Unsafe at Any Speed
Two women on their way to the supermarket cruised right through a red light. The woman in the passenger seat was alarmed but said nothing. Five minutes later, they went through another red light. This time the passenger opened her mouth to speak, but she had been experiencing some confusion lately, so she again said nothing.

But when it happened a third time, she couldn’t restrain herself. “Helen!” she cried. “Are you trying to get us killed? You’ve just gone through three red lights!”

“What?!” said Helen. “I thought you were driving!”

Trading Places
Two old friends are having lunch. Over coffee, one of them says, “Arlene, I know this sounds ridiculous, but every time I look at you I think I see a suppository in your ear.”

“Very funny,” says Arlene. But when she checks her ear, sure enough, she finds a suppository.

“Well, what do you know? But I guess there’s a good side to this. I think I know where I put my hearing aid.”

Who’s Who
Frank Sinatra goes to see his mother in a nursing home. It’s his first visit, and the residents are thrilled to see him.

He patiently answers their questions and signs a few autographs. When he notices a woman who is sitting alone and paying no attention to him, a mixture of compassion and narcissism prompts him to go over and sit with her.

“How are you today?” he says.

“Not too bad,” she replies. “Are you here to visit someone?”

“Yes, my mother lives here. By the way, do you have any idea who I am?”

“No,” says the woman, “but if you go to the front desk, I’m sure they can tell you.”

A Real Puzzle
A woman who is getting on in years calls her daughter. “Judy, can you come over and give me a hand?”

“Sure, Mom. What’s the problem?”

“This jigsaw puzzle I’m working on is just impossible. I’m normally very good at these, but this one’s driving me crazy.”

“Sure, Mom, I’ll come after lunch. What’s the puzzle supposed to look like when it’s done?”

“How should I know?”

“Well, what’s the picture on the box?”

“It’s a big rooster.”

When the daughter arrives and sees the pieces spread out all over the table, she says, “Mom, I don’t think we’re going to get this one.”

“But I’ve always been good at puzzles. Just help me get started.”

“Well, first I’m going to make you a nice cup of tea.”

“And then?”

“And then we’ll put all the cornflakes back in the box.”

Let There Be Light
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. “You look perfectly healthy to me,” says the doctor. “How are you feeling these days?”

“I feel fine,” the man says, “and the Lord has been good to me. Every night when I get up to go to the bathroom, He turns the light on. And when I’m finished, He turns it off.”

Not knowing what to make of this answer, the doctor sends the patient to have his blood drawn and asks the man’s wife to come in from the waiting room. He tells her that her husband seems to be in good shape and mentions what he said about the bathroom light.

“What’s this about?” the doctor asks. “Is he really that religious?”

“No,” she says. “It means he’s peeing in the fridge again.”

  

 

 

Knock Knock
Three older women are having lunch together. The first one says, “I’ve become so forgetful! Why, just yesterday I was standing in front of the fridge with a bottle of milk in my hand, and I couldn’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it back.”

The second one says, “I know what you mean. The other day I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

“I guess I’m lucky,” says the third woman, “because my memory is as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps twice on the table, looks up, and says, “Someone’s at the door. I’d better go answer it.”

A Good Match
They had known each other forever, and each of them had recently lost their longtime spouse. Now, at their sixtieth high school reunion, they were inseparable.

As the evening was winding down, Ed got up the courage to propose. “Carol, I know this is rather sudden, but will you marry me?”

“Ed, I would love to,” she replied.

Ed went home in a wonderful mood. But the next morning, although he remembered the proposal, he couldn’t recall Carol’s response. Had she actually said yes? He thought so, but he wasn’t sure. Did she want time to think about it? Or had she conceivably turned him down?

With great anxiety, he picked up the phone and called her. Apologizing for his faulty memory, he said, “Last night, when I asked you to marry me, what did you say?”

“Oh, Ed, I said yes, and I meant it with all my heart.”

“That’s what I thought,” he said. “I’m so pleased—and relieved, too, of course.”

“I was hoping I’d hear from you today,” said Carol, “because I remember the proposal, and I remember saying yes. But for the life of me, I just couldn’t recall who had asked me.”

We Meet Again
At their twentieth college reunion, a group of men in their forties decided to have dinner together. After a lot of discussion, they made a reservation at Chez Paris because the food was excellent and the waitresses wore low-cut blouses.

They had such a wonderful time that they decided to have dinner together at every major college reunion.

Ten years later, in their fifties, they decided to meet again at Chez Paris because the food was so good and the wine list was outstanding.

In their sixties they decided to meet once again at Chez Paris because the restaurant was quiet and smoke-free.

In their seventies they decided to meet yet again at Chez Paris because it offered a senior discount and was wheelchair accessible.

In their eighties, they decided to eat at Chez Paris because they heard the food was good and they wanted to try someplace new.

No Direction Home
Brendan was driving home when his wife called.

“Honey, are you on the turnpike?”

“Yes.”

“Well, be careful! I just heard on the radio that some maniac is driving in the wrong direction.”

“It’s not just one maniac. It’s hundreds of them!”
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 https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29430549-die-laughing

  

 

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